Messing Up

When I was in middle school, our Mère visited the class one day to give us a feedback on our academic performance. Sitting in the second row, a ticking noise interrupted the silent classroom. The head of school ordered us in her deep strict voice to be totally quiet. And as soon as she proceeded with her lecture, I found myself tapping on the table, repeating the unwanted sound. I got married at twenty one and since then I started my own life. I found myself applying what my mother have been teaching me, as if I was storing all her lessons and teachings in the back of mind, after failing to put it into practice on her own territories. The incident of the Mère kept visiting me, inviting me to dig deeply and better understand myself and my behaviours. Clueless, I kept is as an incomprehensible picture in my collection of childhood memories, an ambiguous and confusing one.

I have heard that by the age of forty people become in need for reading glasses with the changes in their visually abilities. Well, I experienced these changes, only that I was able to see my childhood mental album in a clearer way and I became more capable of interpreting the shots I have been saving. I figured that as a child I was a very slow learner. I would restore what I am taught, unable to put it into practice till I observe other people doing it over and over again. I would panic under stress, doing exactly the contrary of what I am ordered. In my seat back then I was so stressed and worried to misbehave that my mind wasn’t able to deal with the order, responding to it by exactly doing the opposite. As a daughter, I so much wanted to avoid conflicts and to be a good girl that I messed up under the stress of trying to please my parent.

We are human beings, we have different learning abilities and styles. Some can put their learning promptly into practice, while it might take others decades to do so. However, how many human beings can truly learn under stress? 


2 thoughts on “Messing Up

  1. Je crois que le but du stress est de nous libérer du stress. A un certain point il devient insupportable, alors on lâche prise, on le regarde tel qu’il est en nous, on respire et on comprend la peur qu’il dissimulait. .. Et on supporte sa morsure dans notre chair.

    Liked by 1 person

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